Lines

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I’ve just got a little request 

Could you read this to yourself in a British accent ? please?

Because that's how I wrote it while talking to myself at 2 am, laying in my bed 


Do you ever have the sudden urge to fucking uproot your entire life and toss it all to hell. I'm not talking about fixing your life but ruining it. Just drag your Ma by her hand into your room and show her all the hidden liquor bottles. Show her the packets of peace hidden behind soft toys or under couch cushions. I’m talking about the inspiration to chew out your dumb, miserable ex for not treating you right at 2am or to call that one friend you ended things with to scream some more about what an absolute douche she was. 

Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to throw the laptop against the wall and watch it shatter. Not that you’d ever do it, but, do you think about doing it? I think about chugging a 750ml bottle of vodka like apple juice. Not to savour the burn or welcome the heat but to just act on this savage itch to chug straight from the bottle and then balme it for all the stupid shit i’m going to do. I think about how it would feel to make one bad decision after another and keep making them and not worry about the consequences. I think about this a lot. I think about the freedom where I can walk out into the dead of the night, right now, at 2:10 am by my watch and not worry about dying or much worse. I think about the silence when my head's underwater and all the things have a smudged glow to them. Like someone tried to erase the line but couldn't really. 

That's the problem with these lines, you see. They don't go away sometimes. No matter how hard you try to erase them. You can scrub at it with all your might but it won't budge. It’ll smear, make a mess, leave smudges all across the page and you can feel the scar it leaves behind when you run your finger over where it once was. I think about how free I could be if I didn't consciously trap myself within these hand drawn lines. I wish I didn't keep lying to myself that these lines are keeping me in check, keeping me sane. Sometimes I think about pole vaulting these carefully drawn lines based on all the things that are expected of me and leaving all this baggage behind. Maybe some of these lines, drawn in the name of protecting me, are meant to cage me in. Maybe i'm thinking about this too much and maybe that's what i’ve been taught to do. A line is the first thing they teach when you’re learning how to draw. They beat it into my head that it’s the most simple, uncomplicated, easiest thing ever to draw. It’s not. It's never easy or simple or uncomplicated. It's all that and then some more.I want you to remember this the next time your hands shake while holding a pencil. Lines are not simple, smooth, uncomplicated. They are rough, shaky and never straight. And sometimes it's okay to play hopscotch with these lines. It’s worth it to take a walk on the wild side. And sometimes you gotta do it because there won't be another time and all you’ve got is this life. 






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